I'll start with the good news: I passed my thesis defense on Wednesday. My friends showed up to support me, and the whole thing felt less formal and antagonistic than I thought it would. Thanks again to all of you! The defense was also followed by a very fun night out with said friends (and adviser). The bad news: IT'S STILL NOT OVER. I walked away with a ton of editing to do, which all needs to get done in the next two weeks (!!!!). I don't want to look at it ever again. I want to set it aflame in the middle of a field and never look back. It doesn't help that I walked out of that meeting feeling like what I have is a fucking first draft. On top of that, I had to meet with my adviser the very next day to discuss edits, and I have yet to read all the formal comments my committee sent me via e-mail, which means I have to relive my defense at least three more times before I start writing again.
So, inexplicably (or maybe explicably) today I have been in a bad mood. I need to start writing again but can't. I can't even write for FUN. The weather is cooler, but grey and morose (ten points for vocab). I'm so sick of taking sleeping pills, but whenever I've made a serious effort to go off them I end up laying in bed until I finally give in. I can sleep without them on nights when I've been drinking, but otherwise I just lay there for an hour or so until I get up and take an Ambien. It's so discouraging, and I'm always so mad the next day. I just wish I could sleep NORMALLY again; it's infuriating to feel I have no power over a basic life function like sleep. Am I really still so stressed that I can't sleep? Or am I just addicted? Will I ever be able to be NORMAL again and sleep?
I'm also worried about the basic fact that I cannot simply be happy that my thesis defense is over and that a major hurdle has been overcome. I just keep thinking that I STILL have to work on it, I STILL have to find a job, etc, etc. It's a monster that refuses to die. What will come next? An awful job? Another shitty apartment? Another gang-ridden, ghetto city with nothing to do? Laden with idiotic drivers and students (I'm terribly jaded with the college scene, I guess). I feel stuck on a hamster wheel. I am really (or was) excited about doing NaNoWriMo, but now I know how much more I have to do, and I know that my ideas are cliche, and totally unfeasible. I just don't know if I can do it.
In the meantime, I chose to treat myself to a mini-spree at Ulta, and a self-indulgent night -in with pasta, pumpkin beer, candy, and the movie Bridesmaids with actors' commentary. I also bought a copy of Mother Jones magazine, which may or may not improve my mood. We'll see.