Friday, October 28, 2011

Life Post-Thesis Defense

This blog is going to be nothing but rants, I've realized. If you don't actually know me in person, please do not believe that these entries are the total sum of my thoughts and personality.

I'll start with the good news: I passed my thesis defense on Wednesday. My friends showed up to support me, and the whole thing felt less formal and antagonistic than I thought it would. Thanks again to all of you! The defense was also followed by a very fun night out with said friends (and adviser). The bad news: IT'S STILL NOT OVER. I walked away with a ton of editing to do, which all needs to get done in the next two weeks (!!!!). I don't want to look at it ever again. I want to set it aflame in the middle of a field and never look back. It doesn't help that I walked out of that meeting feeling like what I have is a fucking first draft. On top of that, I had to meet with my adviser the very next day to discuss edits, and I have yet to read all the formal comments my committee sent me via e-mail, which means I have to relive my defense at least three more times before I start writing again.

So, inexplicably (or maybe explicably) today I have been in a bad mood. I need to start writing again but can't. I can't even write for FUN. The weather is cooler, but grey and morose (ten points for vocab). I'm so sick of taking sleeping pills, but whenever I've made a serious effort to go off them I end up laying in bed until I finally give in. I can sleep without them on nights when I've been drinking, but otherwise I just lay there for an hour or so until I get up and take an Ambien. It's so discouraging, and I'm always so mad the next day. I just wish I could sleep NORMALLY again; it's infuriating to feel I have no power over a basic life function like sleep. Am I really still so stressed that I can't sleep? Or am I just addicted? Will I ever be able to be NORMAL again and sleep?

I'm also worried about the basic fact that I cannot simply be happy that my thesis defense is over and that a major hurdle has been overcome. I just keep thinking that I STILL have to work on it, I STILL have to find a job, etc, etc. It's a monster that refuses to die. What will come next? An awful job? Another shitty apartment? Another gang-ridden, ghetto city with nothing to do? Laden with idiotic drivers and students (I'm terribly jaded with the college scene, I guess). I feel stuck on a hamster wheel. I am really (or was) excited about doing NaNoWriMo, but now I know how much more I have to do, and I know that my ideas are cliche, and totally unfeasible. I just don't know if I can do it.

In the meantime, I chose to treat myself to a mini-spree at Ulta, and a self-indulgent night -in with pasta, pumpkin beer, candy, and the movie Bridesmaids with actors' commentary. I also bought a copy of Mother Jones magazine, which may or may not improve my mood. We'll see.

1 comment:

  1. Aaagggghhh, sending you lots of positive thoughts!! You can do it!