...I am working on a cover letter. This is my first job application since finishing my thesis a few weeks ago. My first. I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo screwed. The letter is a steaming pile so far, due mostly to the fact that I hate talking about myself. Correction: I hate selling myself. If my resume/CV can't convince you that I'm at least worth an interview, then shit. On top of it, I feel like I'm walking on ice with every sentence I type; I want to at least get my ideas out but my inner critic cringes with each word. My adviser is also a brilliant writer, which gives me confidence in his editing abilities, but makes it harder to give him something I know totally sucks. If only you could be self-deprecating in a cover letter, cuz I would rock that shit.
In other news, tomorrow I face another birthday and a new year of life. I'm hoping it will be better than the last, and at the moment it seems to be looking up, aside from the job situation. My thesis is done, I'm weaning myself off the Ambien, I'll be seeing my family in a few weeks, etc. I'm a little sad to leave Greenville and all the friends I've made, though. I'll miss my crappy apartment, and the little nooks and crannies I've made my home here. Nonetheless, I'm looking forward to a new chapter of life (unemployment). As much as the economy might suck right now, I'm done being a student. Hopefully I can have a relaxing holiday season and not stress about all the unknowns too much. Knowing my luck, I'll move back home only to get a job in Greenville and move back here all over again. My life tends to be funny like that.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Holy Cow it's November
I'm still reeling from the fact that it's November. MID-November, at that. NaNoWriMo has been a dismal failure, but quite understandable in light of everything I've been doing. After about a three or four hour marathon today at Tipsy and the ECU library, I can finally say that I think my thesis is more or less done. I still need to add all the little details it needs, such as a table of contents, etc., but the bulk of the writing is done. I sent off my thesis to my committee again, and I'm hoping that they're generally pleased with it.
In other news, I'm trying to be happy with my life as it is right now. Yes, there are a lot of unknowns for the future: I don't have a job lined up after I graduate, I don't know how long it will take for me to find a job. I don't know how long it will take me to get beyond some of my current problems. I don't have faith in myself, and I am not sure I ever have. I was talking to someone a few days ago, and she said that based on what I was telling her about my feelings throughout grad school that it sounded as if I don't have faith in myself. Self-confidence is a big issue with me, I know for sure. I have to know that I can get beyond what I'm going through. I've thought about trying to start myself off on the right foot each morning, maybe with prayer, Scripture, meditation, etc. Perhaps make some small changes that will help my outlook on life. Not knowing the future can be a downer when I don't know how my problems will sort themselves out.
I stumbled across a poem some time ago in a book of mine, and it stood out to me:
Ode on Solitude
Happy the man, whose wish and care
A few paternal acres bound,
Content to breathe his native air,
In his own ground.
Whose heards with milk, whose fields with bread,
Whose flocks supply him with attire,
Whose trees in summer yield him shade,
In winter fire.
Blest! who can unconcern'dly find
Hours, days, and years slide soft away,
In health of body, peace of mind,
Quiet by day,
Sound sleep by night; study and ease
Together mix'd; sweet recreation,
And innocence, which most does please,
With meditation.
Thus let me live, unseen, unknown;
Thus unlamented let me dye;
Steal from the world, and not a stone
Tell where I lye.
--Alexander Pope
Happy is the man who is content on the few acres of land he possesses, whose desires are simply and easily met by his own resources. He who lives a quiet life in meditation, sleeping soundly at night and having ease and peace of mind by day. Someone who lives unseen, unknown, and "unlamented"" when he dies, without even a marker where he is buried. It's a bit humbling when I think of all that I want, how restless and unsatisfied I can be. I also remember when I was younger I wrote about never wanting to be forgotten after I die. I have no idea why, but looking back I realize I don't care as much if people remember me. I also find that I don't want an extremely fast-paced, stressful life, which probably is a big reason why I finally decided that academia is just not for me. I want to be able to publish at my own pace (if it even happens). I want a job where I can completely detach as soon as I get home. I would love to not have to worry about making a living (financially speaking) but I know that that is not a reality.
Can I have faith in myself? My whole life I've been taught to have faith in God, and I haven't even gotten that right. I've spent time on personal inventories and in therapy and what not, and I don't know if I'm any closer to understanding who I am or how I tick. Why do I sleep better some nights and not others? What are my strengths (I feel I'm pretty keen on my weaknesses)? I have a lot of unanswered questions, and I get impatient when short-term problems turn into long-term problems with no resolution in sight. I especially hate how I can't always trust that things are going to get better; I'm so afraid of that, and no amount of reassurance comforts me for long. I want to aim for more than just acceptance of the present situation, I want to actually enjoy my present situation. How do I find (or develop) faith in the future despite my uncertainties? Right now I'm not sure. I'm not severely depressed, but at the moment am without answers. If nothing else I just get through the day and do my best to prepare for the following day.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Life Post-Thesis Defense
This blog is going to be nothing but rants, I've realized. If you don't actually know me in person, please do not believe that these entries are the total sum of my thoughts and personality.
I'll start with the good news: I passed my thesis defense on Wednesday. My friends showed up to support me, and the whole thing felt less formal and antagonistic than I thought it would. Thanks again to all of you! The defense was also followed by a very fun night out with said friends (and adviser). The bad news: IT'S STILL NOT OVER. I walked away with a ton of editing to do, which all needs to get done in the next two weeks (!!!!). I don't want to look at it ever again. I want to set it aflame in the middle of a field and never look back. It doesn't help that I walked out of that meeting feeling like what I have is a fucking first draft. On top of that, I had to meet with my adviser the very next day to discuss edits, and I have yet to read all the formal comments my committee sent me via e-mail, which means I have to relive my defense at least three more times before I start writing again.
So, inexplicably (or maybe explicably) today I have been in a bad mood. I need to start writing again but can't. I can't even write for FUN. The weather is cooler, but grey and morose (ten points for vocab). I'm so sick of taking sleeping pills, but whenever I've made a serious effort to go off them I end up laying in bed until I finally give in. I can sleep without them on nights when I've been drinking, but otherwise I just lay there for an hour or so until I get up and take an Ambien. It's so discouraging, and I'm always so mad the next day. I just wish I could sleep NORMALLY again; it's infuriating to feel I have no power over a basic life function like sleep. Am I really still so stressed that I can't sleep? Or am I just addicted? Will I ever be able to be NORMAL again and sleep?
I'm also worried about the basic fact that I cannot simply be happy that my thesis defense is over and that a major hurdle has been overcome. I just keep thinking that I STILL have to work on it, I STILL have to find a job, etc, etc. It's a monster that refuses to die. What will come next? An awful job? Another shitty apartment? Another gang-ridden, ghetto city with nothing to do? Laden with idiotic drivers and students (I'm terribly jaded with the college scene, I guess). I feel stuck on a hamster wheel. I am really (or was) excited about doing NaNoWriMo, but now I know how much more I have to do, and I know that my ideas are cliche, and totally unfeasible. I just don't know if I can do it.
In the meantime, I chose to treat myself to a mini-spree at Ulta, and a self-indulgent night -in with pasta, pumpkin beer, candy, and the movie Bridesmaids with actors' commentary. I also bought a copy of Mother Jones magazine, which may or may not improve my mood. We'll see.
I'll start with the good news: I passed my thesis defense on Wednesday. My friends showed up to support me, and the whole thing felt less formal and antagonistic than I thought it would. Thanks again to all of you! The defense was also followed by a very fun night out with said friends (and adviser). The bad news: IT'S STILL NOT OVER. I walked away with a ton of editing to do, which all needs to get done in the next two weeks (!!!!). I don't want to look at it ever again. I want to set it aflame in the middle of a field and never look back. It doesn't help that I walked out of that meeting feeling like what I have is a fucking first draft. On top of that, I had to meet with my adviser the very next day to discuss edits, and I have yet to read all the formal comments my committee sent me via e-mail, which means I have to relive my defense at least three more times before I start writing again.
So, inexplicably (or maybe explicably) today I have been in a bad mood. I need to start writing again but can't. I can't even write for FUN. The weather is cooler, but grey and morose (ten points for vocab). I'm so sick of taking sleeping pills, but whenever I've made a serious effort to go off them I end up laying in bed until I finally give in. I can sleep without them on nights when I've been drinking, but otherwise I just lay there for an hour or so until I get up and take an Ambien. It's so discouraging, and I'm always so mad the next day. I just wish I could sleep NORMALLY again; it's infuriating to feel I have no power over a basic life function like sleep. Am I really still so stressed that I can't sleep? Or am I just addicted? Will I ever be able to be NORMAL again and sleep?
I'm also worried about the basic fact that I cannot simply be happy that my thesis defense is over and that a major hurdle has been overcome. I just keep thinking that I STILL have to work on it, I STILL have to find a job, etc, etc. It's a monster that refuses to die. What will come next? An awful job? Another shitty apartment? Another gang-ridden, ghetto city with nothing to do? Laden with idiotic drivers and students (I'm terribly jaded with the college scene, I guess). I feel stuck on a hamster wheel. I am really (or was) excited about doing NaNoWriMo, but now I know how much more I have to do, and I know that my ideas are cliche, and totally unfeasible. I just don't know if I can do it.
In the meantime, I chose to treat myself to a mini-spree at Ulta, and a self-indulgent night -in with pasta, pumpkin beer, candy, and the movie Bridesmaids with actors' commentary. I also bought a copy of Mother Jones magazine, which may or may not improve my mood. We'll see.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Unpretty (i.e. a Rant)
I'm reluctant to write about this publicly, because I'm afraid it will get into the hands of someone involved in this incident, but I feel the need to write about it and get some feedback to see if I'm really just much too sensitive a person (chances are, if you're reading this, I'm not talking about you).
Recently I was at a restaurant with a group of friends. We went late enough that I wasn't planning on eating, but alcohol consumption tends to bring out a desire in me to eat nasty, greasy bar food. After an hour or so I gave in and ordered an appetizer of cheesy fries with bacon. I thought nothing of it. When my food arrived, I was surprised by the portion size they gave me (an entire dinner plate--enough for a meal!) but figured I was always willing to share, or get a to-go box, if push came to shove. A few of my friends around me expressed similar amazement at the size, but as I said before, I was also a little intimidated. However, as I begin munching away at cheesy-fry bliss, the guy next to me turns and asked "do you eat healthy?" A little off-put by this question, I replied that I try to eat healthy. This is the truth; although I don't cook much and go out more than I should, I do try to be conscious about what I eat (and drink). Nonetheless, I eased up on the fries and sat back a little. "Don't judge me," I joked half-heartedly, and he quickly refuted that he wasn't.
Yet the comments persisted. A girl across the table leaned over and asked (this probably isn't verbatim but is pretty close) "How do you stay so skinny [maybe she said thin?] when I see you eat all this crap?" She was undoubtedly referring to other times when we all had gone out. I don't remember what I said back, but knowing me I probably just smiled and chuckled. "You go to the gym, right?" She asked me next. I'm proud to say that this is true, that I exercise on average about 3-5 hours a week. The guy next to me more or less repeated this question, then asked what I did to workout (in case you're wondering, I tend to use the elliptical-type machines and rowing machines).
At this point I was hurt and extremely self-conscious, and all nibbling came to a halt. I pushed my plate away slightly, which only ignited shocked outrage from others who had obviously not heard the earlier exchange. This at least produced the desired effect of having others dive into my fries (including those who had just given me shit about eating them in the first place). I ate a little more, and between a number of us the plate was mostly finished by the end of the night. Nonetheless, I couldn't let go of the hurt and resentment I felt at the comments that had been made to me. I stayed largely quiet (although I don't know if anyone noticed) and left as soon as trivia was over, with my beer unfinished. I made an excuse to not continue to hang out .
The point of this story, I guess, is to ask: What in hell made these people think that these were polite, unoffensive remarks and questions? I would never, EVER have grilled someone like that about the food they eat, especially when I only see them MAYBE once a week! The only possible exception I can think of is a close friend or relative who I know for CERTAIN is endangering themselves. The casual "wow that's a big burger" comment or something of that effect may be okay, but grilling someone (no pun intended) about their diet and physical activity is not, in my opinion. I understand that as much as our culture promotes an unhealthy lifestyle which can lead to obesity (and of which about one-third of us are), we also stereotype and ridicule overweight and obese people as stupid, lazy, etc. I'm not trying to imply that I suffer more. I'm also not trying to imply that I'm perfect; God knows I've put my foot into my mouth many times. It angered me to feel that I cannot win; if I'm overweight, I am ridiculed. If I'm thin with little to no effort, I become the subject of resentment and passive-aggressive behavior (funnily enough, both of these individuals seemed to be a healthy weight). We live in a society where only one type of beauty is idolized, and it's a shame. I'm pretty damn sure there are overweight people out there who are more physically fit and diet-conscious than I am. Although I may be able to brag about a slender figure and a face which is deemed pretty, I have my own set of problems.
I'm not really sure how to end this. I try not to hold onto any ill-will towards the aforementioned individuals. The guy was at least half-drunk, and the girl may very well have thought she was complimenting me. I'm trying to let it go, but I thought it might be helpful to get my feelings out in the open. Chances are I'm overreacting, and I understand that. I don't know the struggles of those who embarrassed me. These types of comments come once in a blue moon. Yet as I walked into my apartment that night, the song "Unpretty" by TLC came to mind.
Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes.
Recently I was at a restaurant with a group of friends. We went late enough that I wasn't planning on eating, but alcohol consumption tends to bring out a desire in me to eat nasty, greasy bar food. After an hour or so I gave in and ordered an appetizer of cheesy fries with bacon. I thought nothing of it. When my food arrived, I was surprised by the portion size they gave me (an entire dinner plate--enough for a meal!) but figured I was always willing to share, or get a to-go box, if push came to shove. A few of my friends around me expressed similar amazement at the size, but as I said before, I was also a little intimidated. However, as I begin munching away at cheesy-fry bliss, the guy next to me turns and asked "do you eat healthy?" A little off-put by this question, I replied that I try to eat healthy. This is the truth; although I don't cook much and go out more than I should, I do try to be conscious about what I eat (and drink). Nonetheless, I eased up on the fries and sat back a little. "Don't judge me," I joked half-heartedly, and he quickly refuted that he wasn't.
Yet the comments persisted. A girl across the table leaned over and asked (this probably isn't verbatim but is pretty close) "How do you stay so skinny [maybe she said thin?] when I see you eat all this crap?" She was undoubtedly referring to other times when we all had gone out. I don't remember what I said back, but knowing me I probably just smiled and chuckled. "You go to the gym, right?" She asked me next. I'm proud to say that this is true, that I exercise on average about 3-5 hours a week. The guy next to me more or less repeated this question, then asked what I did to workout (in case you're wondering, I tend to use the elliptical-type machines and rowing machines).
At this point I was hurt and extremely self-conscious, and all nibbling came to a halt. I pushed my plate away slightly, which only ignited shocked outrage from others who had obviously not heard the earlier exchange. This at least produced the desired effect of having others dive into my fries (including those who had just given me shit about eating them in the first place). I ate a little more, and between a number of us the plate was mostly finished by the end of the night. Nonetheless, I couldn't let go of the hurt and resentment I felt at the comments that had been made to me. I stayed largely quiet (although I don't know if anyone noticed) and left as soon as trivia was over, with my beer unfinished. I made an excuse to not continue to hang out .
The point of this story, I guess, is to ask: What in hell made these people think that these were polite, unoffensive remarks and questions? I would never, EVER have grilled someone like that about the food they eat, especially when I only see them MAYBE once a week! The only possible exception I can think of is a close friend or relative who I know for CERTAIN is endangering themselves. The casual "wow that's a big burger" comment or something of that effect may be okay, but grilling someone (no pun intended) about their diet and physical activity is not, in my opinion. I understand that as much as our culture promotes an unhealthy lifestyle which can lead to obesity (and of which about one-third of us are), we also stereotype and ridicule overweight and obese people as stupid, lazy, etc. I'm not trying to imply that I suffer more. I'm also not trying to imply that I'm perfect; God knows I've put my foot into my mouth many times. It angered me to feel that I cannot win; if I'm overweight, I am ridiculed. If I'm thin with little to no effort, I become the subject of resentment and passive-aggressive behavior (funnily enough, both of these individuals seemed to be a healthy weight). We live in a society where only one type of beauty is idolized, and it's a shame. I'm pretty damn sure there are overweight people out there who are more physically fit and diet-conscious than I am. Although I may be able to brag about a slender figure and a face which is deemed pretty, I have my own set of problems.
I'm not really sure how to end this. I try not to hold onto any ill-will towards the aforementioned individuals. The guy was at least half-drunk, and the girl may very well have thought she was complimenting me. I'm trying to let it go, but I thought it might be helpful to get my feelings out in the open. Chances are I'm overreacting, and I understand that. I don't know the struggles of those who embarrassed me. These types of comments come once in a blue moon. Yet as I walked into my apartment that night, the song "Unpretty" by TLC came to mind.
Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Brief Life Update
Just wanted to give those few of you still reading a brief update so you know I'm not dead. First, good news: I think my thesis defense date has been set! As of now it will be sometime on October 26th. I keep getting asked how it feels to almost be done, and I honestly have no idea. I don't think it will feel done until it is DONE--submitted to the graduate school and everything. At that point, I'll probably be too worried about getting a job that the accomplishment will go barely noticed in my mind. I've been getting a lot of questions on that score as well, and the answer is I have no idea what I want to do (serious employment-wise) and am still fumbling with the question of where to apply and where I want to live. I've looked around a little, and haven't seen much that sounded interesting or that I was qualified for. There's still hope though...
In other news, signed up for NaNoWriMo, which starts next month. It may be crazy, but I figured since I'll only be working on thesis edits and job applications at that point (only HAHA) I'll need something fun on the side to de-stress (or make myself more stressed, we'll see). At least if NaNo gets too hairy I can always drop it (not that I want to!). Finally came up with some tangible writing ideas...not that they're very good/feasible. At least it will be a good time of commiseration and whining with other wannabe-novelists. I'm actually attempting a little bit of outlining/research for this one, unlike past years where I dove in headfirst with only the vaguest clue of what I was doing. I've managed to "win" twice in the past (i.e. wrote at least 50,000 words) with this strategy, but was left with "novels" I never looked back on because there wasn't any passion left for them, and they were so crappy that it wouldn't have mattered if there was anyway. We'll see how well this plan goes; I've tended to strongly deviate from outlines in the past.
Ok, that's about all for now. Over and out.
In other news, signed up for NaNoWriMo, which starts next month. It may be crazy, but I figured since I'll only be working on thesis edits and job applications at that point (only HAHA) I'll need something fun on the side to de-stress (or make myself more stressed, we'll see). At least if NaNo gets too hairy I can always drop it (not that I want to!). Finally came up with some tangible writing ideas...not that they're very good/feasible. At least it will be a good time of commiseration and whining with other wannabe-novelists. I'm actually attempting a little bit of outlining/research for this one, unlike past years where I dove in headfirst with only the vaguest clue of what I was doing. I've managed to "win" twice in the past (i.e. wrote at least 50,000 words) with this strategy, but was left with "novels" I never looked back on because there wasn't any passion left for them, and they were so crappy that it wouldn't have mattered if there was anyway. We'll see how well this plan goes; I've tended to strongly deviate from outlines in the past.
Ok, that's about all for now. Over and out.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Misfit Shrines
Note: I started this post on the 18th and have been sitting on it for a few days. It was difficult to write.
It's been a while since my last post, deepest apologies. I recently had a conversation with a friend that brought to mind a lot of dissonance that has existed in my personal life for some time now. I don't really know where to begin, and and don't have the energy to describe it in every detail. For a while, especially since started graduate school, I've felt a conflict between my field of study (and academia in general) and my faith as a Christian. I've easily assimilated the tenets of science with my religion as a believer in theistic evolution, etc., but through the comments and attitudes of certain peers and faculty I've been led to believe that my faith is something to keep quiet, as scientists "don't really believe that sort of thing." A fellow student in a class once had the gall to say "I don't really think one can really believe in both the scientific method and God" (or something to that effect). It felt like a challenge, one that I'm tired of being confronted with, as someone who has long believed in both God and evolution, dinosaurs, etc. It's also illogical, to my understanding, since the scientific method is a process of trying to understand and explain the material world, not a way of trying to prove the existence of God.
On the other hand, are the conservative Christians who has also made me feel like an outsider who will never fit in. Evangelism, in the form of approaching a person for the sole purpose of forcing another speech about Jesus and salvation (often in the most condescending way possible) strikes me as awkward, superficial, and usually ineffectual. I'd rather have an honest, down-to-earth conversation where my perspective is desired. Through Christ I know the old law is dead (i.e. all the insane laws of the Old Testament) and my sins are forgiven. I choose to embrace people who are gay as my equals who deserve equal rights. As much as I abhor the thought of abortion, I support the reproductive rights of women. As human beings I believe we are stewards over the Earth, and need to care for it and all its inhabitants (although I swear I'll kill every spider I come across in my apartment). I believe that women and men are equals who complement each other (look at powerful women in the Bible--Esther, Ruth, Mary, Mary Magdelene, etc). Women can serve as both political and religious leaders--I have a hard time stomaching the idea that women must submit to their husbands, although I've read personal accounts of Christian marriage relations adhering to this principle that made sense to me. As much as I strive to believe the Bible is the word of God, I can't help but see Paul as a bigot and homophobe (a bit problematic considering he wrote about 75% of the New Testament).
In sum (since I'm beginning to rant), I've had a fair amount of anger at fellow Christians because I feel they don't accept me, ignore me, don't include me in their little cliques, and have accepted a lot of ideas I just can't stomach. To be fair, perhaps I'm depending too much on my own emotions and gut reactions rather than an honest analysis of Scripture. Also, it sounds like I'm making a lot of blanket statements, so I want to add that I know a lot of people who share my faith share a lot of the same sentiments that I've described above, and I've had really positive relationships and interactions with other Christians as well. This also goes for all my non-Christian friends. I am trying to grapple with my liberal worldview and political leanings and assimilate them with my religion. I have been tempted to try to abandon it altogether, but it's never been something I can seriously do. I just can't support legislation that relies solely on religious reasoning (sorry, the U.S is not a theocracy), and I can't discount all the scientific discoveries that have been made (God gave us reason, use it!).
So there it is. For those of you who've stayed with me this far, thank you. I had to get this off my chest, and I know that this is rather unpolished and unprepared. I know there are others like me out there, so there's no reason for a full-out pity party. I'm not as much a misfit as I sometimes feel. In the end, I may be wrong on some points, but I'm getting to where I want to start living openly and honestly. Thanks for reading.
It's been a while since my last post, deepest apologies. I recently had a conversation with a friend that brought to mind a lot of dissonance that has existed in my personal life for some time now. I don't really know where to begin, and and don't have the energy to describe it in every detail. For a while, especially since started graduate school, I've felt a conflict between my field of study (and academia in general) and my faith as a Christian. I've easily assimilated the tenets of science with my religion as a believer in theistic evolution, etc., but through the comments and attitudes of certain peers and faculty I've been led to believe that my faith is something to keep quiet, as scientists "don't really believe that sort of thing." A fellow student in a class once had the gall to say "I don't really think one can really believe in both the scientific method and God" (or something to that effect). It felt like a challenge, one that I'm tired of being confronted with, as someone who has long believed in both God and evolution, dinosaurs, etc. It's also illogical, to my understanding, since the scientific method is a process of trying to understand and explain the material world, not a way of trying to prove the existence of God.
On the other hand, are the conservative Christians who has also made me feel like an outsider who will never fit in. Evangelism, in the form of approaching a person for the sole purpose of forcing another speech about Jesus and salvation (often in the most condescending way possible) strikes me as awkward, superficial, and usually ineffectual. I'd rather have an honest, down-to-earth conversation where my perspective is desired. Through Christ I know the old law is dead (i.e. all the insane laws of the Old Testament) and my sins are forgiven. I choose to embrace people who are gay as my equals who deserve equal rights. As much as I abhor the thought of abortion, I support the reproductive rights of women. As human beings I believe we are stewards over the Earth, and need to care for it and all its inhabitants (although I swear I'll kill every spider I come across in my apartment). I believe that women and men are equals who complement each other (look at powerful women in the Bible--Esther, Ruth, Mary, Mary Magdelene, etc). Women can serve as both political and religious leaders--I have a hard time stomaching the idea that women must submit to their husbands, although I've read personal accounts of Christian marriage relations adhering to this principle that made sense to me. As much as I strive to believe the Bible is the word of God, I can't help but see Paul as a bigot and homophobe (a bit problematic considering he wrote about 75% of the New Testament).
In sum (since I'm beginning to rant), I've had a fair amount of anger at fellow Christians because I feel they don't accept me, ignore me, don't include me in their little cliques, and have accepted a lot of ideas I just can't stomach. To be fair, perhaps I'm depending too much on my own emotions and gut reactions rather than an honest analysis of Scripture. Also, it sounds like I'm making a lot of blanket statements, so I want to add that I know a lot of people who share my faith share a lot of the same sentiments that I've described above, and I've had really positive relationships and interactions with other Christians as well. This also goes for all my non-Christian friends. I am trying to grapple with my liberal worldview and political leanings and assimilate them with my religion. I have been tempted to try to abandon it altogether, but it's never been something I can seriously do. I just can't support legislation that relies solely on religious reasoning (sorry, the U.S is not a theocracy), and I can't discount all the scientific discoveries that have been made (God gave us reason, use it!).
So there it is. For those of you who've stayed with me this far, thank you. I had to get this off my chest, and I know that this is rather unpolished and unprepared. I know there are others like me out there, so there's no reason for a full-out pity party. I'm not as much a misfit as I sometimes feel. In the end, I may be wrong on some points, but I'm getting to where I want to start living openly and honestly. Thanks for reading.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Just Checking In
I feel it's been a while since my last update, so I'm stopping in. I don't really have a particular topic in mind, I just...don't feel like working on my thesis. I did some data entry into Excel earlier today while watching Young Frankenstein as the rain poured outside. In less than two weeks I'm hoping to have my data more or less analyzed for my defense. It feels strange that the end is in sight, and surprisingly, I'm not any more excited or motivated to work on it than usual. As long as I get something done each day, I feel more or less content.
In other news, still plowing through Dickens' Bleak House, and am now about 600 pages in. About a week ago I wrote down some ideas in my paper journal that I'd had about reading while I was washing the dishes. I thought about how I typically can't wait to finish a novel, with my eye constantly on the stack of books I want to read next. I sometimes rush through endings, reading practically nonstop until I'm done. With Bleak House, however, I don't necessarily feel that rush. My eyes do stray; for example, I'd love to pick up Tina Fey's autobiography at some point. I have so many books I'd like to read, but I don't feel myself rushing through this one. Part of it may be the language--it's difficult, but I love it. I can get "lost" in descriptions of buildings, characters, scenarios, etc. It keeps me in the present.
To make a bit of a logical leap, perhaps that's a good thing about my present troubles. When I'm fully in the present I'm not as preoccupied with the past and I can't expend as much energy worrying about the future. As someone told me, our twenties are a time when we're allowed to experiment and make mistakes. There's always something else that needs to be done. My apartment is a mess, there are bills to pay, and there is always more work to be done on my thesis. I'm trying to just take life one day at a time and enjoy it.
In other news, still plowing through Dickens' Bleak House, and am now about 600 pages in. About a week ago I wrote down some ideas in my paper journal that I'd had about reading while I was washing the dishes. I thought about how I typically can't wait to finish a novel, with my eye constantly on the stack of books I want to read next. I sometimes rush through endings, reading practically nonstop until I'm done. With Bleak House, however, I don't necessarily feel that rush. My eyes do stray; for example, I'd love to pick up Tina Fey's autobiography at some point. I have so many books I'd like to read, but I don't feel myself rushing through this one. Part of it may be the language--it's difficult, but I love it. I can get "lost" in descriptions of buildings, characters, scenarios, etc. It keeps me in the present.
To make a bit of a logical leap, perhaps that's a good thing about my present troubles. When I'm fully in the present I'm not as preoccupied with the past and I can't expend as much energy worrying about the future. As someone told me, our twenties are a time when we're allowed to experiment and make mistakes. There's always something else that needs to be done. My apartment is a mess, there are bills to pay, and there is always more work to be done on my thesis. I'm trying to just take life one day at a time and enjoy it.
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